Category: Truly Funny

This stuff is truly funny.

  • Quotes & Head Scratchers Volume 1

    Price. Quality. Service. Pick two.

    There are two kinds of good meetings: postponed and cancelled.

    Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

    Why do people who know the least always seem to know it the loudest?

    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    When a mime is arrested, does he have the right to remain motionless?

    Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

    Why do they call it a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

    Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

    Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

    If someone told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

    He who throws mud loses ground.

    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    Why do they call it lipstick if you can still move your lips?

    Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

    A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

  • Mexican Americans

    Oh my, I remember this one from my childhood. It is still hilarious today!

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2K-_2AHYh0]
  • A Case For Baby Poop Color

    Have you ever noticed that when some people try to describe a color they really dislike they pick a color and put the words “Baby Poop” in front?

    “Did you see Brian’s shirt at church yesterday? Can you believe that color? It was like ….. uh ….. well ….. like a ….. baby poop green.”

    “Holy cow! Did you see that car back there? That was the ugliest color I’ve ever seen. It was a … sort of like …. uh …. baby poop yellow.”

    Ok, just what color is baby poop? Is it brown-ish? Yellow-green? Sort of twead? That’s just it. I don’t recall my Crayolas including a crayon marked “Baby Poop” so there really is no universally agreed-upon baby poop color.

    All of this leads to some very serious questions we must ask ourselves:

    Is the mysterious color of baby poop getting a fair deal? Should poor baby poop really be the whipping boy of bad color? Shouldn’t we all stop looking down our noses at baby poop?

    It’s ironic that things that are actually the closest in color to actual baby poop are never bashed or rejected because they are baby poop colored. For example, no one ever says:

    “There’s nothing like a hot dog at the ballpark, especially with baby poop colored mustard!”

    and of course…

    “Ooooooh! Honey, come look at the baby’s baby poop colored poop!”

  • The Bouncing Man Boobs Affinity

    I just remembered something funny that happened to me a few weeks ago. I call it The Bouncing Man Boobs Affinity.

    I was driving through a strip mall and saw a guy coming out of a store. He needed to cross in front of me to get to his car. So I slowed down and gave the obligatory nod for him to cross in front of me towards the parking lot.

    He returned to me a quick “man nod” plus bonus wave, then to be polite, he started into a slow trot toward his car. Almost as soon as he started into the trot, he immediately dropped his head and slowed to a brisk walk.

    I instantly had an affinity with this stranger and knew exactly why … I even smiled and laughed a bit. Most men over 40 know exactly what I’m talking about.

    As soon as the trot begins, the man boobs start the juggle. As all men know, the only thing worse than having man boobs is to be seen in public with them bouncing up and down. It doesn’t take long for the juggling action to make it to the brain which sends impulses to the feet to stop (NOW!) any activity that may be causing this anti-man, breast bouncing action.

    Queue the female comments below … “Now you know what we have to go through…blah blah blah.”

  • When Nine Lives Runs Out

    Today’s post is dedicated to our cat Penny, who as of today, has pee’d herself into a one-way ride to the shelter. Dearest Penny ……. goodnight and good luck.

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  • Worst Album Covers Of All Time

    I’ve found several lists of “Worst Album Covers” online. Here is my G-Rated list — enjoy!

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  • “You’re Linda Johnson, Right?”

    You know when you’re at a social event and everyone has to tell their most embarrassing moment? I don’t think I actually have a most embarrassing moment, but I do have this little story to tell.

    examtable.jpgDuring my years in health care management, I managed a family practice with 5 physicians in a rural Missouri town.

    It was me, the 5 docs and 20 female medical and office staff. There were two long hallways on each side of the building both lined with exam rooms. My office was at the front of one of the long hallways near the reception area and waiting room.

    One particularly normal day, I had several interviews scheduled for a receptionist position – two in the morning and two in the afternoon. It was mid-afternoon and I was having some computer problems, so a technician was in my office working on my computer.

    A call came to my office to let me know that my 3:00 interviewee had arrived. I left my office and went out to the large waiting area and called the name of the interviewee…

    “Linda Johnson?” I said.

    As usual, and as can be expected with such a large family practice, the waiting area was completely full.

    Right in front of me, a gal in old jeans and a t-shirt made eye contact with me and began to get up. My first thought was, “Wow, so much for first impressions…..she must really want the job.”

    Linda came towards me. I shook her hand and motioned toward the door. As we entered the long hallway, my office was immediately on the right and I said to Linda…

    “Linda, I’m having my computer worked on and there is someone in my office right now. Dr. Tegtmeyer is gone today. Do you mind if we do this in one of his exam rooms?”

    Linda looked at me with a slightly puzzled look, then simply said, “Ok.”

    I opened the exam room door for Linda, she entered, and I followed, closing the door behind me. Linda paused in the middle of the room. There was a moment of silence — the kind of silence that is just a little bit too long, officially making it the awkward type.

    Then Linda said, “Where would you like me?” She moved toward the exam table and as I pulled a stool over to sit on it, I said, “That chair over there is fine.”

    I could tell that Linda didn’t want to sit in the chair, which believe it or not, I thought was odd at the time. I remember thinking, “…This gal is really nervous for her interview.” She finally sat down and I sat down across from her.

    Awkward eye contact…more awkward silence…at this point, I’m thinking “I hope I can make this quick. She’s just not a good candidate.”

    I had her resume in my hand with some notes and questions for the interview. At the top of the resume, she had listed the high school where she graduated, which was in Texas. I also went to high school in Texas so I thought that would be a nice ice breaker to the interview.

    Beginning the official interview, I smiled and said, “So, I see you went to high school in Texas….whereabouts in Texas?”

    Linda looked blankly at me. Her eyes squinted and her face contorted into complete befuddlement. Then she said, “Uh….[looooooong pause]…..I didn’t go to high school in Texas”. Surprised, I looked down at the resume.

    “You’re Linda Johnson right?”

    “No! My name is Linda Jameson and I’m here for my annual pap smear.”

  • March 13, 2007

    Shepherd #1: “Are you sure those wise men are still coming with the myrrh?”

    Shepherd #2: “Yeah man, no worries, just sit tight. I know those guys and they’re definitely on their way.”

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  • Pranking A Telemarketer

    Let’s all admit it would be SO cool to pull off what Tom Mabe does to telemarketers. I’ve heard several of these and here’s a new one:

    How To Prank A Telemarketer
    (yes, that is an actual call from a telemarketer)

  • Word Embryos: Human Verification Word #1

    I’ve noticed more web sites have added the “human verification” process where you, as a human being and not a robot or software program, have to enter letters and/or numbers into a box to verify you are a human being.

    If you’ve ever submitted a site to Google or added a comment on a blog, you know what I’m talking about.

    This process is supposed to create random letters or numbers, but I’m convinced that the randomness is beginning to fade. Just this week I noticed on two occasions that the random characters, like word embryos, are beginning to evolve into the very early stages of word-dom.

    What does this look like to you?

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